Logic
It isn't inherent in our minds--logic. It's another system we've created. If it was the foundation for our mind and dictated everything that happens within it, it would never be able to be suppressed. If you've ever been in a relationship you've had first-hand experience with logic going out the window.
I don't like to base my existence upon concepts man has created, because there is usually something deeper; and usually said concepts eventually become too constricting to produce brand-new and extremely useful ideas that life requires. So thinking that something man has created is the basis for everything else you view and experience in your life is like looking at a grain of sand and thinking it is the smallest, most indivisible element there is and everything must be built from these sand grains. While sand is very useful for bricks and glass, the day you want to build a strong skyscraper or have something to drink that doesn't itch your throat, sand is no longer relevant or useful.
It's a good thing we at least somewhat understand atoms and that sand wasn't the only thing we were provided when we decided to discover the world.
So I like being creative. Everyone is creative, whether they know it or not-- it's simply been exploited in all the ways we see every day. In fact, if anything is truly fundamental to the human mind, I would argue that being able to express what the mind creates is one of them. But I digress. I liked philosophy for a short amount of time when I took it as a class two semesters ago because it provided a new perspective-- one I thought useful for some sort of answers to my life. I now hate philosophy and stand by the opinion that it is complete and utter bullshit, not to mention the strong hold futility has on it. Logic is philosophy's life-blood. Logic also dictates that if that previous statement is true, philosophy must be bullshit as well. But if logic is bullshit, then that whole statement--which is based on logic--is bullshit just as well.
This is where things get fun. As I've said before, the world works in twos. Logic had it good with true and false, but the occasional "maybe" that comes up every so often blows its cover. So it seems to me that logic is just another way of communication-- like language. When it's blown out of proportion and treated as definite, logic has no hope. Its purpose is moot. This entire argument--the statements I've made--they don't mean anything unless you find them meaningful and "true" to you. Otherwise they don't mean that what I think is absolutely true; they don't mean what I think is absolutely false. They create one big "maybe" that simply floats, not properly grounded to anything solid; just there for the taking-- or the leaving. And if you don't have the thought in your mind that you need another person to agree with you to be able to accept your own thoughts (as classic "creatives" don't), this whole "maybe" thing is kinda cool.
Attention
Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.
I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.
I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.
...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.
So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.
Something out of Nothing
Going along with my earlier thoughts about cultivating the growth of my mind, I started wondering of a way to come up with new ideas without the need for an external idea, such as that from another person. I couldn't think of any way to create something new in my mind, large enough to grab onto and run with. I also can't think of any idea I've ever had in my life without some kind of knowledge about something else that helped me formulate this new idea.
And then I posted a tweet where I was about to go on a tangent about something and I realized that by writing an idea down or otherwise outputting some kind of information from my mind, it becomes a new piece of information from which new ideas can be formed. This recursive process can help new ideas based on new ideas etc. etc.
This says a lot about the mind. If the mind was the only thing in existence--no other minds, no trees or planets or universe--it would have nothing to do, no way to grow or develop or establish new things and, I think, it wouldn't even exist in the first place. It seems like the mind works in twos. Alone it just is. No growth, nothing new, just a single speck. With another thought--something as simple as a sound--a chain-reaction is set off and new ideas are created. Over the years, the very thoughts that created what we currently know at an older age become buried by the constant events that are happening right now. But they all started somewhere. And future ones will do the same.
A Mental Plateau
In my health class the other day, my professor was talking about how, through routine exercise, your body gains and gains and then levels out in a plateau-like fashion. In other words, with the same workouts--same intensity, duration, mode, type, etc.--your body gets used to it and, eventually, it can literally no longer grow from the activity.
Since the mind is contained in the body (and it's of more concern to me) I started to ponder if it fell under the same restrictions. At first I didn't believe it did because, I mean, it's the mind. It has to be different. But I'm starting to think otherwise.
It's like this: when a place (city, street, house, etc.) is new to you, you grow; change promotes growth. After you spend enough time in that town or area, it starts to look bland and not nearly as interesting as it was when you first arrived. You don't spend nearly as much time thinking about the place because your mind has become accustomed to it; you've reached your plateau. You get in a relationship and out of the honeymoon stage-- you've reached your plateau. I would guess this is why people naturally argue in a relationship; your brain needs to grow and it can only do that with some kind of shift in the dynamics. So arguing upsets the stability of that level, unpromoting state.
In the context of my own head, I was fighting with the idea of stability before I started to doubt instability and fight that. I'm now seeing that I want to promote the growth of my mind-- this came after this morning, when I thought that seeing emotions and all these pseudo-human-attributes as what they are--bullshit--was going to lead me no where. It's a good thing I'm getting better at killing off my negative thoughts. So, since I am going to continue promoting the growth of my mind, I need to keep running. I need to keep changing things up. And, as a result, I won't have stability. In fact, stability will cause me to plateau and then what am I fighting for?
Absolutely nothing.
Space
Today I spent a lot of time reading about the new things Virgin Galactic will be doing with its commercial trips to space and how badly I want to go there. And I thought about how if I could look down upon the earth in the darkness of space, the world would seem so small and insignificant to what I was experiencing. And how much I would love it.
Then I thought about how I wouldn't think of people, I wouldn't think of the issues that plague the world or my daily concerns; only this blue marble that I could stare down upon. And how if I went out farther to look upon our solar system it would be so small; farther to look at our galaxy and how small and remarkable it would be; and then if I went to the edge of the universe, it would all be so small. And I feel like if I took one step further to the outside of our universe, it would all be contained in this tiny ball that from my view on earth, to me right now, looks so vast.
And it would look like what's inside my head. When viewed from a spot where everything is small, nothing matters. It is all contained, small and insignificant. And well-- I don't know how else to express the kind of relief and tranquility that would give me. If my mind is that small, viewed from the right distance, and my environment as well, nothing matters so much that it must be overly-contemplated. When I think so much I zoom down to a small level on an Earth of thoughts which isn't even at the most basic level to understand everything that occurs. I feel like if I could look down at the entire universe and could understand what that meant to me there, I would be able to understand what it meant on this relatively micro level.
It Makes a Sound
For a bit today, I started thinking about the possibility of switching from what I know and believe and who I think I am to what others were saying. I went through this same thing over my winter break where I considered the possibility that I should just go with what I see as boring and be just like everyone else instead of fighting it so much. I soon decided, that day, that those thoughts were stupid and there was no reason for me to slip into the stream with everyone else.
I'm glad I did.
But every once in a while, I have these days where before I can recall my own self I actually listen to what others have to say to heart. They sneak up on me, and in my completely loose state it's not hard for them to make me disbelieve myself.
And I guess I was just getting to that spot again, after having my professor telling me how marketable and well-rounded I am and how cool she thought I was and me being glad to hear the positive enforcement on my personality today. But I was sitting on this picnic table I usually go to, at the Starbucks on campus, drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette and I began to think that my negative views on people were wrong.
Fuck that.
I don't think I'm judgmental and I do everything to avoid "being" this concept but it's just little things like that that sneak into my mind unnoticed and make me doubt everything I stand for and who I am and what I think. I even started to think, as I tend to do whenever I finally start to really free myself from the world around me, that I was drifting too far from my environment. I always say people are the only thing that keep me grounded. But I think I need to take even more of a vacation from them; really stick to my guns and be as uncompassionate to their feelings as possible so I can reach the speed possible to escape their gravity that holds me so. Then I'll orbit them and their world-- held by their force but free as can be.
The other analogy I was going to use in my post yesterday was the idea that I used to believe: when a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it it doesn't make a sound because there are no organisms around to perceive the sound it would make. I now see that's bullshit in relation to me. I'm the tree that falls with no one around, but with the ability to get back up and continue growing. And one day when someone comes across me on a random excursion into the forest, I'll be there; tall and beautiful; only because I didn't wait for those sound waves to hit someone far off and for them to come running to see what I've done.
Something Free
I was thinking about the post I made yesterday and decided to evolve that concept today. Since I find nature as a good way to provide answers to the inner-workings of my mind (being created out of it and all), I went to the river nearby that was flooding the nearby roads due to all the rain we've had recently.
While it's good that I don't need a pat on the back for every new action I do, it's still too constraining on me to need people around to simply perceive my actions. So, how do I give myself this validation without actually getting the validation? I instantly realized that it didn't involve validation at all-- I just need to do things as if no one is around and simply enjoy it. At the time I related it to the river's water: the surface of the water looked as if it was a surface with this life that moved beneath it; this energy. And this energy that moves beneath the surface of the water and creates waves travels down stream, and from where I was sitting, into the shore. Now if I was this ball of energy that propels the waves to crash into the shore, I might be compelled--seeing the shore and my impending doom--to want to stop; to travel no longer.
But that would be boring. Stability is overrated in my book because nothing happens when everything is stable. So, following in the wave's essential footsteps, I would rather crash into the shore and enjoy the results. The wave moves back into the stream once it can go no further and those pebbles on the shore have been changed forever because of that wave's actions; everyone wins (me being the wave and the pebbles being other people).
That works. I can handle events such as these because that's what we humans live for; no event that doesn't kill me is truly "bad." But what about when I'm just in the stream? This is what I was struggling with-- no events are occurring, or at least not ones strong enough to distract me from myself. But I'm really traveling through the world; there are things all around-- near and far; and it doesn't take much to see it all when you know how to.
So finally, what am I if I don't need people to tell me what I am? I'm a floating orb of energy. By nature, I hit dead-ends and bounce off to go in a different direction; I go around rocks that block part of my intended course; I even pick up smaller rocks in my stream that I have enough force over, but I never really control them-- they'll always go their own route, just as I do. I'm alone but comfortable. In my instability I'm stable. Nature dictates the power I have over myself (infinite), and I get to enjoy it.
I like that.
Something Solid
I've realized that the only reason I like to be crazy and go meet people and make sure I don't slip into a world of "everyone else" while I'm in public is because people are what make me who I am-- in the sense of, their perceptions of my actions are what assign a certain personality to me. They're all there is in the world; I can dance crazy alone in my room and sing loudly alone in my car but if I'm quiet when I'm around others, I'll be perceived as shy and other related personality types and not the person I really like to be.
Of course I know who I am when I'm alone. But "who I am" really has no meaning to me because I have no need to be one way or the other when there's no one else to pick up on which "way" I am. So if I want people to see me in the same light I see myself, I need to carry that personality consistently throughout all parts of my life.
So tonight I put on a wife-beater and went for a walk in the rain. I made a point to walk past some people in the hallway to make sure this craziness was perceived by someone other than myself. I don't need their verbal validation; I don't need them to tell me I'm crazy or that I'm sane-- that I'm stupid or doing "okay." Proving anything about myself to myself or anyone else is useless. I just need something solid in the world. Because I can see from any perspective, I can think about an infinite amount of possibilities and positives and negatives. But life is no fun when I do that. I become a ball of neutral-- no light, no darkness; no sound and no silence. I live in this world of hypothetical; this alternate dimension that exists but produces nothing useful.
It's this universe of nothingness that I try to avoid daily. In fact, not living in the way I want to is the only thing that depresses me these days because frankly, I'd rather enjoy my existence.
What I Believe
This is a common question and a concept that tells a lot about a person. So, as if everything I write here doesn't already do it (obviously I wouldn't write it if I didn't believe it), I'll spell out what I believe right now, at this point in time.
I believe the universe we see, feel, hear, taste and smell, is an entity much like our own individual minds. Thoughts and life-forms go through the same cycles: everything grows. A thought is started by the perception of an outside force or idea, and it grows even when it can't grow anymore. A real-life example would be: anything you feel passionately about is something that has grown bigger than the other ideas in your mind-- a huge galaxy, if you will. And, as is the nature of our mind and more than likely the universe, this promotes more growth-- almost the most basic requirement of existence.
On the flip-side of this example, if you worry about being accepted by other people (other universes), you will do anything to make sure you are and even change your behavior just to make sure this happens. This perspective is interesting because it essentially creates a black hole; it can keep an entire galaxy of ideas in perfect balance around it. However, allowing this worry (about things that are completely out of your control) to completely engulf you will put the surrounding galaxy of everything you know out of balance and take it to another realm. I try to avoid black holes.
Another function of the brain is communication; neurons and axons and synapses, at the basic level. They form ideas that communicate to form new ideas which form new ideas and so on ad infinitum. So the universe communicates in the same fashion through energy. We perceive information visually through the energy in light; we feel through the energy of heat; sound, motion, even words (the most blatant form of communication) are broadcast through the manipulation of matter that travels through space fueled by energy. In other words, we exist in this larger "brain," which dictates that everything, including our own mind, behaves in the same way.
So. These thoughts would be useless without some kind of meaning to me.
Since I deal with my own mind more than I do with the universe, I like to do anything that makes me enjoy myself. I don't like to hold on to any one idea for too long, because there's no telling how long it will hold up before it collapses; as with everything in the universe, thoughts essentially "die." And when you don't hold on to things, the world seems to flow; instead of seeing individual snapshots over time and analyzing and hoping that each one stays, they all flash by you to form a moving picture that makes sense, in its simplest form. From your own universe's perspective, you get to look down on all your perceptions and thoughts and bask in your creation. And that encompassing and ever-present beauty keeps all instability stable and unlogic logical and, more than anything, everything simply makes sense without it "making sense."
And I like that.
A Different Cycle
I'm learning when situations, ideas, environments are positive or negative for me. Everything in the world around me divides up a little better and forms according to my specifications more and more each day. This is good.
I'm also trying to stick with the "don't fixate" idea I've come up with. See, when you fixate on one idea, you become lost in it. And it seems that there is no one thing that is worth completely fixating on, due to the life-cycle of a thought: it starts as a simple abstract concept, possibly formed as a result of other ideas. The amount of information it is composed of is proportional to the thought's tipping point-- the point at which all the information that makes up that thought are not enough to expand that thought anymore; at this point, your mind can only speculate. And although it may provide some sense of comfort, nothing positive or solid will come out of speculation.
So I know these things. And I wake up every morning and go for a drive and try to remember to let everything flow through me so that I don't fixate on a single idea, and consequently live in that moment, know that nothing dies, etc. etc. But some days those thoughts become a contradiction themselves because I think I have to fixate on them to make them work and then I do and then shit falls through, plainly.
I think it's happened today. But it doesn't feel counter-productive this time; I reached that truly elated stage which I haven't had in at least a week, and then I had to deal with people so I started to whole people-cycle again, though I feel like I fought it slightly more than usual. I'm out of cigarettes but haven't bought more, I went to a job interview and laughed as I headed out because the guy was the typical salesperson-- and he was the one interviewing me; and then I had some more pseudo-frustration with other people. And at this point everything started falling down; the walls I had built, once again crumbled.
But this time was different. I've found comfort in knowing that not everything I do will work at this point in time. I'm used to it, not holding onto any thought as invincible and stable. Maybe it's because if I changed as much as my mind formulates a new "me," nothing in my life could be stable-- friends would leave, etc. etc.
But that's bullshit-- I shouldn't be concerned.
Yeah, talk about a bad case of the negatives.
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