Fish Out of Water
So I'm looking at this daughter who looks like her mother. And maybe I want her. The daughter. I've had her before. But she's with another guy. A typical guy, probably someone safe her mother likes.
And I'm thinking. Why waste every quirk you have as a part of your whole being, just to be what's already been before. She's a ball of concentrated energy and she can't see all the power she has, to be more than she is or is told she has to be.
It seems like a waste to me. When I see how much I could unscrew her world. And maybe let her know. That's not the way it has to be.
Facebook really pisses me off
This, the most popular website in the world behind Google, gets on my nerves. It's the typical story of greed. Look! All these people spend hours a day in our little virtual world! It's control. People have this shit on their phones. On their phones. One of my friend gets a little ching every time she gets a Facebook notification on her Blackberry. What does she do? Pause the rest of the world around her to-- check her Facebook.
I feel like there's a point where being a part of someone's life turns into controlling them. I like Google. I would sell my soul to Google with how much I trust them; "Don't be evil." -- says it all. And I feel like they live by that. Facebook lives by money. Fuck money. Facebook, as a whole, you're an idiot. You don't have a motto like Google-- why? Because when the next opportunity to rake in some cash comes, you want to make sure you don't have any of those pesky morals that will get in your way. No, no. You need your green.
And sure, Google has all the information about every search I've made and what places and directions I've looked for on their maps and even all the websites I've created that host rants like this. But if anything, they have more information about who I really am as a person than Facebook will ever have. Google has my interests, hobbies, places I see, things I see-- like a good friend. Facebook has my social interactions; my social interactions that consist solely of bullshitting and people-pleasing. Google is like my best guy friend and Facebook is the controlling girlfriend that I can never escape. Google is there whenever I need it and doesn't bitch when I go off to do my own thing. Facebook stalks me all around the web and tries to keep me in check.
"Facebook requires all users [...]" -- yeah, exactly.
Fuck you, Facebook.
Five Over the Limit
It seems to me that my biggest problem (and from what I can see, a lot of humanity's) is higher cognition. In my world, my mind wanders to what I should change in myself or whether or not a concept is bullshit or the best answer to a relative problem. The problem is that there are no answers in this realm; only theories. They can be good, but more often than not (in my head) I don't trust them enough to make them fact when I've already heard a different theory.
So cognition's purpose outside of giving humans the ability to drive themselves mad? For solving problems when they need to be solved.
And in our current world this isn't required as much as it was, say, when we had to fight to survive and were only learning about our world. Now we are at the level where we use our cognition positively to solve issues that are based on the world we humans have created, which isn't nearly as dense and full of life as the world outside of us is. When there's some downtime from my thinking about people or making things fit which were never designed to in the first place, I use my cognition for new ideas. Otherwise, I let my sub-conscious be my guide; the parts I don't have to think about. Because there's never any indecision or question when it's in the moment, and I think that's the way things should be. It's a shame life has to move at that slower pace because of how much we've advanced. But at least, in my world, I can still go five over the limit.
Overcoming Time
If anything is universally plaguing to the human mind, it is time. With this, I'm starting a series about all the things you can do when you abandon the idea that "time"--by our common understanding--exists. This is essentially the premise behind it all:
Life happens at the level of events. In dreams there is never a dull moment--just event after event after event. This is the way our mind perceives things. Now, as with most of the things that I argue are bullshit, they are really just a way of making sense of things. Time, to me, is this: a measurement between two events.
For example, speed depends on time to be measured: at event 1, you are at location 0. At event 2, you are at location 5. We now know that you are travelling at 5 locations per event. This can be miles per hour, inches per second, etc. When you read these, try to think of seconds and minutes and hours and days and years simply as a marker to an event in time's world. The reason time falls through when it comes to you as a person is because you are not "time." You aren't "politics." You aren't "logic," or "beliefs," or "values," or "wrong," or "perfect" or "imperfect"-- you are a mix of all these. And when you take any of these at face value and try to apply them to other parts of "you" as a sort of attempt at mental homeostasis, you quickly see it doesn't work.
So-- time. Think of it as events contained only in your mind and what that would mean for you. And then read what is to come.
A Solitary Experiment
I think about other people too much. Today I've decided to try something new where I leave my phone in my room and see how much I can accomplish in a day when I don't have to worry about listening/reacting to a sound that tells me someone wants to talk to me. It's this idea that fuels this new experimentat I'm conducting on myself.
What's in my head seems (to me) the most sane and constant in the world right now. Normally I'm down for a little blowing in the wind and going wherever the proverbial wind (people) take me-- problem is it leaves no room for me. I don't get to do the things I need to, like school work. Or paying bills. Or other general things I don't put high on my priority list.
When I put people out of the equation, even just for an hour, my whole world changes. I can do nothing but prove myself to the system through my "work ethic" or other things that are deemed important to the collective "world." I have the opportunity to do and fully carry out the things that are important to me (like getting through college).
So I'm giving myself a chance to grow without people to slow me. I believe it's important to be well-rounded in knowing yourself and how to interact with people. But I feel like I haven't been giving myself enough credit in the people department, in that it'll be okay if I take my own road for a while. People don't need to occupy my mind except when I'm directly interacting with them.
Today has been incredibly liberating.
A Big Change (in self)
When I most recently decided to stop smoking, I realized something I never saw the 10-something other times. Sometimes we willingly make a large change. It's easy to live in hypothetical land ("this option is good because ... and bad because ... "), but the real strength comes out when you actually decide to go with one or the other. Then a step above that is actually sticking to what you've decided and going with it 100%, whether it's right or wrong. This is what makes confidence; and you a person.
So I've fought going to the store and buying a pack these past few days; this time it wasn't as easy simply dropping it as it has been times before. Right now I'd love to have some to smoke as I drive around with the sun setting (as it currently is) and all the windows rolled down; something I'm used to doing in this nice weather. If not that, I'd like to go stand outside for 7 1/2 minutes while I smoked one, just to be out of the house.
But my blind stubbornness is keeping me from doing that. Stubbornness usually gets a bad rap when it comes to other people, but when it's internal it is an important element for your own growth. And so what am I left with? Well, since I'm not so fond of feeling like shit (for any reason), I need to adapt. Since this new cigarette-less environment is my current one (and I don't want to be a miserable bitch), I might as well get used to it and see what I can do with where I'm at.
And on the larger scale of things (since I like the big picture), this is an extremely fundamental element for life. Change is what keeps minds, countries, planets, the universe moving. If anything remained the same for some amount of time, it would die (in some way) because it no longer has any use to the environment it is in. Atoms constantly move; stars that seem so far away are moving even more so; galaxies are forming; people are thinking; and when the forces that keep these things going cease to exist, the universe outside of it will as well.
Upon accepting what "is," whether in or outside of you, it becomes easier to move on; to keep the forces within you moving and ensuring you don't "die" from a lack of expression or stimulation that otherwise keeps your mind (and you) going.
I think I'll go for a drive.
Logic
It isn't inherent in our minds--logic. It's another system we've created. If it was the foundation for our mind and dictated everything that happens within it, it would never be able to be suppressed. If you've ever been in a relationship you've had first-hand experience with logic going out the window.
I don't like to base my existence upon concepts man has created, because there is usually something deeper; and usually said concepts eventually become too constricting to produce brand-new and extremely useful ideas that life requires. So thinking that something man has created is the basis for everything else you view and experience in your life is like looking at a grain of sand and thinking it is the smallest, most indivisible element there is and everything must be built from these sand grains. While sand is very useful for bricks and glass, the day you want to build a strong skyscraper or have something to drink that doesn't itch your throat, sand is no longer relevant or useful.
It's a good thing we at least somewhat understand atoms and that sand wasn't the only thing we were provided when we decided to discover the world.
So I like being creative. Everyone is creative, whether they know it or not-- it's simply been exploited in all the ways we see every day. In fact, if anything is truly fundamental to the human mind, I would argue that being able to express what the mind creates is one of them. But I digress. I liked philosophy for a short amount of time when I took it as a class two semesters ago because it provided a new perspective-- one I thought useful for some sort of answers to my life. I now hate philosophy and stand by the opinion that it is complete and utter bullshit, not to mention the strong hold futility has on it. Logic is philosophy's life-blood. Logic also dictates that if that previous statement is true, philosophy must be bullshit as well. But if logic is bullshit, then that whole statement--which is based on logic--is bullshit just as well.
This is where things get fun. As I've said before, the world works in twos. Logic had it good with true and false, but the occasional "maybe" that comes up every so often blows its cover. So it seems to me that logic is just another way of communication-- like language. When it's blown out of proportion and treated as definite, logic has no hope. Its purpose is moot. This entire argument--the statements I've made--they don't mean anything unless you find them meaningful and "true" to you. Otherwise they don't mean that what I think is absolutely true; they don't mean what I think is absolutely false. They create one big "maybe" that simply floats, not properly grounded to anything solid; just there for the taking-- or the leaving. And if you don't have the thought in your mind that you need another person to agree with you to be able to accept your own thoughts (as classic "creatives" don't), this whole "maybe" thing is kinda cool.
Attention
Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.
I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.
I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.
...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.
So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.
Something out of Nothing
Going along with my earlier thoughts about cultivating the growth of my mind, I started wondering of a way to come up with new ideas without the need for an external idea, such as that from another person. I couldn't think of any way to create something new in my mind, large enough to grab onto and run with. I also can't think of any idea I've ever had in my life without some kind of knowledge about something else that helped me formulate this new idea.
And then I posted a tweet where I was about to go on a tangent about something and I realized that by writing an idea down or otherwise outputting some kind of information from my mind, it becomes a new piece of information from which new ideas can be formed. This recursive process can help new ideas based on new ideas etc. etc.
This says a lot about the mind. If the mind was the only thing in existence--no other minds, no trees or planets or universe--it would have nothing to do, no way to grow or develop or establish new things and, I think, it wouldn't even exist in the first place. It seems like the mind works in twos. Alone it just is. No growth, nothing new, just a single speck. With another thought--something as simple as a sound--a chain-reaction is set off and new ideas are created. Over the years, the very thoughts that created what we currently know at an older age become buried by the constant events that are happening right now. But they all started somewhere. And future ones will do the same.
A Mental Plateau
In my health class the other day, my professor was talking about how, through routine exercise, your body gains and gains and then levels out in a plateau-like fashion. In other words, with the same workouts--same intensity, duration, mode, type, etc.--your body gets used to it and, eventually, it can literally no longer grow from the activity.
Since the mind is contained in the body (and it's of more concern to me) I started to ponder if it fell under the same restrictions. At first I didn't believe it did because, I mean, it's the mind. It has to be different. But I'm starting to think otherwise.
It's like this: when a place (city, street, house, etc.) is new to you, you grow; change promotes growth. After you spend enough time in that town or area, it starts to look bland and not nearly as interesting as it was when you first arrived. You don't spend nearly as much time thinking about the place because your mind has become accustomed to it; you've reached your plateau. You get in a relationship and out of the honeymoon stage-- you've reached your plateau. I would guess this is why people naturally argue in a relationship; your brain needs to grow and it can only do that with some kind of shift in the dynamics. So arguing upsets the stability of that level, unpromoting state.
In the context of my own head, I was fighting with the idea of stability before I started to doubt instability and fight that. I'm now seeing that I want to promote the growth of my mind-- this came after this morning, when I thought that seeing emotions and all these pseudo-human-attributes as what they are--bullshit--was going to lead me no where. It's a good thing I'm getting better at killing off my negative thoughts. So, since I am going to continue promoting the growth of my mind, I need to keep running. I need to keep changing things up. And, as a result, I won't have stability. In fact, stability will cause me to plateau and then what am I fighting for?
Absolutely nothing.
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