Late Night Fiction Or is it?

15Mar/100

A Solitary Experiment

I think about other people too much. Today I've decided to try something new where I leave my phone in my room and see how much I can accomplish in a day when I don't have to worry about listening/reacting to a sound that tells me someone wants to talk to me. It's this idea that fuels this new experimentat I'm conducting on myself.

What's in my head seems (to me) the most sane and constant in the world right now. Normally I'm down for a little blowing in the wind and going wherever the proverbial wind (people) take me-- problem is it leaves no room for me. I don't get to do the things I need to, like school work. Or paying bills. Or other general things I don't put high on my priority list.

When I put people out of the equation, even just for an hour, my whole world changes. I can do nothing but prove myself to the system through my "work ethic" or other things that are deemed important to the collective "world." I have the opportunity to do and fully carry out the things that are important to me (like getting through college).

So I'm giving myself a chance to grow without people to slow me. I believe it's important to be well-rounded in knowing yourself and how to interact with people. But I feel like I haven't been giving myself enough credit in the people department, in that it'll be okay if I take my own road for a while. People don't need to occupy my mind except when I'm directly interacting with them.

Today has been incredibly liberating.

5Feb/100

Attention

Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.

I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.

I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.

...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.

So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.

25Jan/100

Something Solid

I've realized that the only reason I like to be crazy and go meet people and make sure I don't slip into a world of "everyone else" while I'm in public is because people are what make me who I am-- in the sense of, their perceptions of my actions are what assign a certain personality to me. They're all there is in the world; I can dance crazy alone in my room and sing loudly alone in my car but if I'm quiet when I'm around others, I'll be perceived as shy and other related personality types and not the person I really like to be.

Of course I know who I am when I'm alone. But "who I am" really has no meaning to me because I have no need to be one way or the other when there's no one else to pick up on which "way" I am. So if I want people to see me in the same light I see myself, I need to carry that personality consistently throughout all parts of my life.

So tonight I put on a wife-beater and went for a walk in the rain. I made a point to walk past some people in the hallway to make sure this craziness was perceived by someone other than myself. I don't need their verbal validation; I don't need them to tell me I'm crazy or that I'm sane-- that I'm stupid or doing "okay." Proving anything about myself to myself or anyone else is useless. I just need something solid in the world. Because I can see from any perspective, I can think about an infinite amount of possibilities and positives and negatives. But life is no fun when I do that. I become a ball of neutral-- no light, no darkness; no sound and no silence. I live in this world of hypothetical; this alternate dimension that exists but produces nothing useful.

It's this universe of nothingness that I try to avoid daily. In fact, not living in the way I want to is the only thing that depresses me these days because frankly, I'd rather enjoy my existence.

22Dec/090

Positive and Negative

This is life in a nutshell: you and the world. Inside you, there are two classifications of thought: positive and negative. Inside the world, you have an infinite amount of you's, each with an infinite amount of thoughts that fit these two classifications except you don't have control of these you's (we'll call them external you's).

You are like a points system. Positive thoughts give you a point and negative thoughts take away two points-- one for the negativity and one because the effortless nature of negative thoughts dictates that you have room for one more negative thought. Naturally, this is a recursively repeating downward spiral.

Negative thoughts don't get the credit they deserve in our world; in fact, they almost always sneak completely below the radar. On an individual basis, negative thoughts are the creators of depressing music; they're the birth of sad movies, paintings, and stories. They're the synthesis of your own negative thoughts and/or negative thoughts from external you's (and only these two things). On a broader scale, they're what most religions would define as "evil." And they come so easily because they are humanity's "default" setting. They are the things that happen to you that make you change yourself (for the worse), rather than enforce your current behavior. In psychology, they're appropriately named negative punishment. In philosophy, they're named subconscious motivations. These are the things that "just happen" early on and by the time you reach adolescence they have become a part of you.

Positive thoughts are the ones that build you up. They are the birth of smiles. They are the birth of laughter. They are a product of freedom from yourself and the world around you. Most of the time, however, they are so fleeting that they only last in these short moments of joy and laughter. And it is the nature of these transient thoughts that makes them the most rare of thoughts that can be thunk-- it makes positivity so rare that it can hardly be said to exist in our world at all.

So, ultimately, you have two ways to view life (since it is all relative to you): positive or negative. If positive thoughts are more appealing, know that they need to be fought for. If you're in the opposite side of the spectrum, step outside of you and view yourself as if you are really an external you. You simply need to realize where you are in relation to where you want to be.

At the end of the day, all that needs to be remembered is this: life is simple. People are complicated. Complication always overpowers simplicity, which is why our world/life "is" so complex. It doesn't have to be for you.

13Nov/090

Losing “You” Time

Since two days ago, I've felt like I hit a low point and came off my natural high that lasted a cigarette-less week. I've finally found where I'm happiest at this point in my life-- when I have no one too close to me (my main concern being women). I keep friends close and I do my own thing but I don't let them in past the point where they begin to actually control me-- this is the happy medium that I always look for in situations.

Well, there's this lady that I've been talking to lately; we've both been blatantly digging each other, but until the other day I was still on top of things. The night before I woke up feeling lost and confused, upon departing her abode I began questioning myself on my actions. As I've learned, this is usually where things go downhill for me mental-state-wise. I first thought I felt so shitty and was back at square one simply because I began questioning myself. But then I realized that it was because I was devoting a piece of my conscious thought to another person.

This doesn't seem terrible at first glance-- caring for a loved one, friend, significant other, etc. But at this certain point in my evolution, it's treacherous. I'm so focused on doing my own thing and therefore becoming more solid in myself and who I am that the second I let someone else severely occupy my thoughts (where there's no solution I can find on my own to my uncertainty, such as in my over-analyzation of previous events), I lose it. I sink in this river of life (or rather people) that I'm attempting to stay afloat in.

So, how to prevent this? I'd need to recognize when I'm going down a road of answers I'll never find without external assistance. This, of course, takes experience in going down those roads and therefore having those days when I have to go without breathing my own fresh air above the water. And even after enough experience, people can always find new ways to attach a weight to me to bring me down-- it'll just be easier and the amount of time I spend drowning will be reduced.

So there it is.

16Oct/090

“Hit me up”

As someone who likes to do their own thing, I like to tell people to hit me up later on as opposed to telling them I will do so. This is for a few reasons.

I like to do what I want to do. If I feel like sitting in my room watching Futurama or making music, I'll do so. And unless it's someone I'd drop almost anything for (usually a lady friend), I don't want to be disturbed. This means I won't call anyone because, again, I'm doing my thing and that's the way I'd like to keep it. I'm happy with that.

So essentially, people have to let me know they want to hang out. You can't control anyone, so I know if I get the inkling to hang out with someone they may or may not want to. The same goes for me. And usually, I may say I'll hit you up just out of some kind of made-up obligation I feel. Which means I won't actually hit you up later. In fact, I only will if I suddenly get the impulse to be around someone-- usually to occupy some time. Because if it's a guy friend, I'm just trying to shoot the shit for a bit. Talk about what happened during the day over a cigarette or something. If it's a lady friend, I'm probably trying to get to know her or just have some fun. This can mean naked fun, too.

My point here is that, well, you should hit me up. And I think this is the way things go for most people. We like to pretend otherwise, but we're all very selfish creatures at the base of us all. So accepting this fact just makes life that much easier. Yep.

26Mar/090

Modesty

There's something to be said about being modest. With my latest internal struggles, it's been about becoming a better "me." One of the things I've been trying to improve is my confidence because I know how much I like confident people, and would like to be one all-around.

So I'm playing pool tonight against a friend. I won against another friend two games in a row, but congratulating him on nice shots he made and the like (but not in an asshole-way). I like to joke around by being cocky because it's really just my way of poking fun at those who truly find a need to be cocky all the time. So I do this against my second friend who now wants to play, and as soon as he breaks and gets a ball in, he makes a smart-ass remark. I don't mind, and brush off the statement for this reason and to make a point about his obvious need-to-be-macho attitude and it's futility when it comes to me.

The point here is that it's good to be modest. I see so many people (this one friend in particular) who find it so necessary to make sure that they feel validated. And that's why I hate truly cocky people-- especially in girls. It just screams insecurity. And it's okay for guys (we have to constantly worry about our dick size or whatever anyways) but in the long run, it still doesn't make the person an enjoyable one to be around.

And unfortunately, their issues go much deeper than a simple sit-down heart-to-heart, so I won't be concerning myself with that. Besides, without people like them, well life just wouldn't be as interesting.

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26Jan/090

A Good Time-Spender

Want to do something that will both expend all your mental energy and produce little valuable experience at the same time? Watch videos on YouTube about varying sides on Atheism (and move through them through the related videos and video responses).

It's like listening to people on video walkie-talkies. Where it takes five minutes to hear a spiel about why a religion is good or bad, only to get a subsequent ten-minute response about why the person is stupid or uses straw-man arguments.

26Jan/090

Becoming a Better Driver Part 1

If you've ever driven on a public road in the United States, you should know that some people out there simply can't drive. For some of us, it's about getting from point A to B with as little interruption, and everyone else on the road should suck it up because where we're going is more important. For others, we just want to get to where we're going with as little interruption as possible. And then there's everything in between.

In America, we generally see driving as a right-of-passage; as something we don't have to work much for because when we reach the magical age of 15 1/2 or 16 or so, we can take an extremely easy test (relatively speaking), get behind the wheel, and go. However, we don't usually appreciate what we don't have to work extensively for. And this is the reason that many people out there don't know how to drive or even if they do, don't care to put in the effort to become better drivers.

You have to realize that driving is a social situation. You may be protected in a 2-ton piece of metal that could kill just about anything that stands in your way, but you are still operating this machine in an environment where there are other people. Sometimes we take this for granted because it is such a normal thing: you're a car, this guy cutting you off is a car, or this person obeying the speed limit religiously is a car (or old person). But if you think about driving in this light, you realize what they say in the 8-hour driver-improvement courses (for "bad" drivers) is true: "drive as if the people around you are your friends and family." Are you going to get angry if your friend won't get out of your way on the road? In better words, are you going to get as easily aggrivated at your friend, as opposed to if you know it's a complete stranger that is impeding you from getting to where you need to go?

These are things we just can't help. We're humans and it's in our nature. I'm by no means a saint when it comes to this, however I don't act strictly on my emotions when I'm driving. Yes, if someone is going slow in the left lane and they can clearly get over into the right, I will get within inches of their bumper to give them a hint. However, it's generally not because I'm angry, but rather I want to set a standard of sorts that we all should be following anyways: "Slower traffic keep right" (in Virginia). And if that doesn't do it for you, the New Jersey approach of "Keep right, pass left." This is another topic of it's own, but it's simply common courtesy to abide by this rule. And if that means temporarily slowing down to fit in to the right lane and let the faster drivers pass you, well so be it. Again, driving is a social situation and as with any human interaction, you need to give a little and take a little to make it all work. Which brings me to my next point.

It seems when we get behind the wheel of these large, small, climate-controlled, GPS-enabled, pimped-out automobiles, we enter a bubble; a bubble of comfort, if you will. And whether that's because you have heated seats and a warm butt or you're just happy to be 5 feet higher off the ground and looking down on the "little people," it doesn't matter. We enter this bubble and we feel invincible. If it weren't for state troopers and speed limits (among other regulations), it would be the most freedom you could ever achieve in your life. You are literally shielded from the world and the people in it, and whether consciously or unconsciously, we all know it. That's why when you cut someone off, the last thing in your mind is your conscience saying, "I shouldn't have done that." It's probably more like, "Why is this asshole flashing his lights at me?" Now compare this to the real world (outside of your bubble).

If you are walking down some crowded street and bump into someone, multiple things can happen. They may not care, you might get a dirty look, or they might shove you back (or otherwise confront you). Which of these options will make you think twice about doing it again? This same structure works on the road, in the form of honking, flashing headlights, or just flipping the bird. However, on the road, these people who are simply trying to tell you you've done wrong become the "assholes" and "bitches" (or other obscenities) when you, in fact, are the one doing wrong. However, it is our protective bubble, the automobiles we love so much, that allow us to be completely inconsiderate and uncivilized beings to other complete strangers. And thus is the world we live in.

Next time, I'll go into actually improving this.

21Oct/080

Quote of the Week

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
Dandemis

Just a little somethin to think about. and it made me chuckle.

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