Assigning Meaning
When you break everything down in life, you soon learn that nothing in life has an inherent meaning. I might've said this before, but now I'll take it a step further.
The only fool-proof way to have meaning to anything in your life is to assign a meaning to it. By the time you're the age you currently are, reading this, you've already assigned meaning to many things; fairly universal objects you've assigned meaning to would be money, time, your mortality, family, possibly spirituality, etc. But what about those things you don't quite have down so much as these? A common phrase I hear is "I'm [so many] years old and I still don't know what I want."
The truth is you'll never know. In fact, you'll never know anything for sure in your lifetime.1 Scary thought, possibly, but in this case it is a matter of choosing-- realizing that ultimately, all the decisions you make come down to you. Confidence is such an envied personality trait because it take a certain kind of individual to be so certain of oneself. Anyone who has this trait has had the balls to disregard external forces for one second, make a decision on what he/she likes, and just go with it. The same is required when deciding what you want.
On a personal note, when you break existence down as much as I have, you get to the point where you have all the pieces spread out before you and the only thing left to do is find out what to do with them, because they do you no good on their own. This is probably where the cliché "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"2 comes from.3
Some people are content working 9 to 5 all their life, retiring, and dying at a "reasonable" age. Some would rather do what they want to regardless of the standard. Some want kids, some don't want to get married. Some people believe in a higher power, some don't. These are all examples of different assigned meanings, each one specific to the individual who created them; it's in our nature.
1 For example, a discipline such as science involves using precedent and a created method to produce meaning out of rationalizations and logic; essentially nothing says the results produced are correct besides a set of guidelines.
2 In fact, life itself is lemons and, really, lemonade is simply one option.
3 It's always interesting how clichés usually have some kind of ridiculously true meaning to them but aren't ever explained. So when used when giving advice or something similar, the effect is next to nothing due to the fact that the phrase only scratches the surface.
Positive and Negative
This is life in a nutshell: you and the world. Inside you, there are two classifications of thought: positive and negative. Inside the world, you have an infinite amount of you's, each with an infinite amount of thoughts that fit these two classifications except you don't have control of these you's (we'll call them external you's).
You are like a points system. Positive thoughts give you a point and negative thoughts take away two points-- one for the negativity and one because the effortless nature of negative thoughts dictates that you have room for one more negative thought. Naturally, this is a recursively repeating downward spiral.
Negative thoughts don't get the credit they deserve in our world; in fact, they almost always sneak completely below the radar. On an individual basis, negative thoughts are the creators of depressing music; they're the birth of sad movies, paintings, and stories. They're the synthesis of your own negative thoughts and/or negative thoughts from external you's (and only these two things). On a broader scale, they're what most religions would define as "evil." And they come so easily because they are humanity's "default" setting. They are the things that happen to you that make you change yourself (for the worse), rather than enforce your current behavior. In psychology, they're appropriately named negative punishment. In philosophy, they're named subconscious motivations. These are the things that "just happen" early on and by the time you reach adolescence they have become a part of you.
Positive thoughts are the ones that build you up. They are the birth of smiles. They are the birth of laughter. They are a product of freedom from yourself and the world around you. Most of the time, however, they are so fleeting that they only last in these short moments of joy and laughter. And it is the nature of these transient thoughts that makes them the most rare of thoughts that can be thunk-- it makes positivity so rare that it can hardly be said to exist in our world at all.
So, ultimately, you have two ways to view life (since it is all relative to you): positive or negative. If positive thoughts are more appealing, know that they need to be fought for. If you're in the opposite side of the spectrum, step outside of you and view yourself as if you are really an external you. You simply need to realize where you are in relation to where you want to be.
At the end of the day, all that needs to be remembered is this: life is simple. People are complicated. Complication always overpowers simplicity, which is why our world/life "is" so complex. It doesn't have to be for you.
Getting Old? No way.
After working a 9-5 job this summer, between my first and second year of college, I've started to realize some things. When I was doing the same thing two summers ago I didn't worry about much because I had plenty of friends around and I could always go off and hang out with them, even easily take vacations. But now I find myself slowly slipping into old age. I get up in the morning, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, come home and laze around.
But after this year of college the one thing I've realized is that I can do things I want to do while still balancing the things I need to. I don't want to grow up. Along with old age comes a lot of complacency, stubbornness, and overall pessimism. I mean we're usually happy when we're over the "hump" and half-way done with things—everything except life. So yeah, who wouldn't be upset? But this is why I don't stop at the end of the work day. In college, after I was done with class for the day I'd go hang out with friends and go party or eat or dance or something. Now, after work, I go hang out with friends or go see a movie or go to a concert like I did last night—even if it keeps me out till 12 (or 2 in my case). Some breakfast and a vitamin in the morning gets me going just fine, no matter how many times I hit the snooze button. And this is where the balance comes in. Because I could easily wake up five minutes before I had to leave for work and just run out the door (I'd want to sleep some more). On the other hand, I need to be able to stay productive (not to mention awake) and I want to be able to be relaxed and have some "me" time before I have to give my time to someone else. It just seems like many people lose track of doing the things they want.
My point here is that keeping these things we have in our youth seems to be the only consistent way to remain happy—at least for me. I know I'll never be able to simply roll over and accept my fate as someone whose life used to be great and one worth living but has become a waiting game for a magical retirement age or the soon-to-come man in a black cloak. But it took a lot to get to this point. Somehow I'm not afraid to die and I've truly accepted and internalized the fact that I'm going to at some point in my life. When you're that sure about something and only that something, I guess the only thing left to do is take advantage of and milk every bit of enjoyment out of the situation you're currently in.
Making Decisions for the Best Outcome
We all do this. Most of us do. Before making a decision, big or small, that's going to involve a possible risk, we try to gather all the information about the decision and do our best to have the greatest outcome possible come out of our decision-making. Let me be more specific.
I've wanted to stay single for over a year now and I've been quite successful at it. Over the past month or so, a girl has come into my life that was no more than a friend at first, but recently became more. And then she wanted commitment. Now I thought, why don't I want commitment? Well, I didn't want to potentially waste my time with a possible badly-chosen girlfriend. I didn't want to be tied down while I'm in college (of all places). I didn't want to risk losing a good friend. I didn't want the obligations that usually come with relationships to enter into my life again. But, after a bit of deliberation, we decided to date.
What's the moral here? I was so concentrated on making a good choice with this girl that I couldn't make one at all. I was focused on all these intangible things that really shouldn't have any bearing on who I choose to date. Essentially, it sets you free from yourself. You get chained down by your own mind and free-will becomes non-existent. I took a completely uncalculated risk: I decided to date her, without truly knowing anything about whether or not the relationship would be one I wanted. The other week (before all this), I had to pee in the local fountain at 3am (without being under any substance) to feel the same kind of freedom. For one thing, there was no reason for me to pee in public, in clear view of all the surrounding buildings, with cops riding around on bikes; and I didn't even have to pee that bad. But I did it because it was complete 50/50. It could turn out good or it could turn out bad.
Coincidentally, the day after I decided to go out with my (now) girlfriend, we started to talk about Zen Buddhism in my philosophy class, and the theory of "aiming but not aiming." Basically what this means is being able to set goals for yourself and find the best way to achieve them (the first aiming), but at the same time, avoiding focusing on the outcomes so much that you fail to enjoy/fully experience the present. And that's what it is truly about. If you spend all your time focusing on the outcome of your decision, you'll never be able to enjoy not only the risks, but everything else that comes with them.
By the way, it's been a week, and it's looking like I made the right decision.
Smoking Age and Morals
Apparently nowadays, this is an issue too? While I've been in New Jersey these past few days, I've been enjoying the regular cigarette. Upon depletion of my cigarette pack, I went to my local Wal-Mart, Wawa, and eventually 7-11 to purchase another pack of cigarettes. I was turned down at two of the three locations only to be told I was "too young" to purchase these health-sapping products. My first reaction was, what the fuck?? I'm finally eighteen years of age, a legal adult, and upon travelling 200 miles north in the same country I love, I can't buy a pack of my favorite cigarettes?? Not only this, but the fact that apparently the tobacco-purchasing age in New Jersey has been raised to 19, was complete and utter bullshit in every meaning of the word!
According to Wal-Mart, the age increase was to reduce the availability of cigarettes to minors. What about the availability to legal-frickin-adults?? I was lucky enough to have an employee around my age at a 7-11 who could tell I was 18 and a fricking responsible adult and who would sell me those cigarettes. Yes, I'm with my under-age friends up here, but I'm not buying cigarettes for them! I can sign a contract, I can go to war. I should be able to buy a fucking pack of cigarettes.
And you'd think I wouldn't get so pissed off at this--I live in Virginia, where cigarettes are cheaper and available to legal adults. But it's about the bigger picture. It further reinforces the notion of self-righteous bigots running the country who are either in power to further their personal agenda or trying to win political points with anti-tobacco therefore furthering their own power-hungry agenda. It's a vicious cycle. But it's not only the governer's (in this case) fault, but our society. Generations of adults raising children to not care about when another person's happiness is more important than their own. The one life lesson we are very rarely taught from an early age is that while it is good to be a little self-centered and individualistic, sometimes you reach an ultimatum (whether intentional or not), and have to choose the other person (or in this case, other people) over your own needs and desires. While this is seemingly double-sided (if the governor chooses the people and doesn't get his way, the people do what they want and do get their way), that's why it's a moral and not a law. In a law, one side always wins. In a moral, you use your very own mind to make a decision and be what they call, "human." Having one person (or many) decide what is right and wrong and being able to act upon their beliefs through enforcable laws is simply a conflict of interests; the same reason a separation of church and state is one thing to be happy about in this country (at least in most places).
And being "moral" doesn't mean doing what's best for the general population's health when it involves sapping personal choice because there's that extra human factor: personal choice. When it concerns keeping the general population from getting HIV, for example, not many people are going to want that; and therefore a rigid sex-education program is always a good thing. But it still allows for personal choice and the people who do still wish to risk getting HIV can still go ahead and do so. After all, what is the point of living in a free country without being free to make your own decisions? Especially when you are legally considered an adult. When it doesn't involve destroying other people's lives (e.g. drunk driving), there's no harm in destroying your own health if it is your choice. And although most can't wait until 18 to smoke or star in their next porno, it is, in my opinion, a good age to enforce by law. The drinking age can wait. Obviously it would be nice, but our culture is too irresponsible to lower it at this day and time. Otherwise, leave it up to the responsible parents who aren't idiots and don't have a problem letting their 18-year-olds have a drink with them. While enough people aren't sufficiently responsible to not drunkingly kill people, some are, and that should be enough evidence to allow for a little bit of flexibility in the drinking laws, and health laws in general.
Life is a bitch ..or is it?
These are possibly my most favorite lyrics of all time. From Daylight by Aesop Rock:
Life's not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman
You only call her a bitch because she won't let you get that pussy
Maybe she didn't feel ya'll shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess
What do these few lines mean? Well that's up to anyone's interpretation but in mine, life is beautiful. The first line says it all. But after that, it's really about how most people blame things on "life" just because they can't have their way. They use it as a justified (in their mind) argument as to why things are going wrong for them and why they just can't be happy (of course it's not them). Which brings me to the last two lines, which says maybe the reason things aren't working out for you is because you can't even be happy with yourself. Or you can't even learn to play along with the situation you're in long enough to even get your way. A bit of stubbornness? And you two not sharing any similar interests is showing that your resistance to any kind of change is causing life to turn its back on you because it simply cannot coincide with your plans or desires.
And if you ask me, that is what life is all about. It's the one thing in your life that you are encompassed in and forced to deal with on a daily basis. However, life differs from your life in that it is static. It doesn't change. It is there, and things happen a certain way, but they simply don't change. It doesn't even matter if you view it as beautiful or not; it's simply a force that, as much as you'd love to, you can't change. But the beauty of being a person and having your life separate from life itself is that yours is dynamic. You have every power to make any kind of change at all in it. And that is why people who blame "life" have no reason to complain about how much of a "bitch" it is. Even though it may be hard to know where to start, everyone has the ability and could have the will to make a change in their life.
Meaning of Life
Pretend for a second that life doesn't have a meaning. That from birth, you are born into a world, an environment, that has no purpose. If you were to assign a meaning to life at this point, it would simply be to exist. And you could probably live off of that for a good 12 years or so. But around that time, you need something more fulfilling. Life just isn't as simple anymore.
You start searching. Some people find that religion gives them a purpose; a goal above all else that is, generally, to be good and in turn have a happy afterlife. Some people have been brought up to already "know" what their purpose is, such as becoming a football star or keeping up the family tradition of being train conductors. Then, seemingly the biggest group of people, assimilate into the ones around them who haven't found a thing, or might not even know they should/could be looking for one. And these people may handle it differently, whether it's drugs or dressing in black and finding solace in themselves and others who feel the same way. The point is that many people handle this differently but share a common cause: the search for a purpose. This would seem to support the idea that there is no "meaning" or purpose to life and that, in fact, it has to be discovered.
And I think that's what life is all about. We as humans need a purpose to keep us motivated to survive in this world, and although there might not be a purpose from birth, with the right knowledge you can make your purpose and, in turn, give your life a meaning.
The “Moment” in Action
Continuing a bit from my last post here, assuming it all made sense. We'll pretend it did. Alright, well that's all fine and dandy, but what about putting it into action? That's a little harder to do. What if the current situation you're in, at this moment, isn't good? It's natural that we'd want to remember the past or possibly hope for the future when this is the case. For example, if a loved one dies, we want to remember them and everything they've brought to our life. The present sucks, frankly, so why would we want to concentrate on that when it brings more joy to us to just stay in the past, remembering? Seems like a dead end.
It doesn't have to be. Yes, the present isn't good. But what about the ways in which the person affected your life? The things you learned from them, and how they might have shaped you into becoming who you are today? You're a better person now. Ah, that brings us back to the present. Thinking of those things can actually make you think of the present, and it might even make you feel better that you are better off because of that; because of the person.
Now what if it's for the future? For example, you're working at a job that you hate. The people suck, your boss sucks, you don't want to wake up every morning just because you have to go to work. You could hope for the future: "Maybe things will get better." Again, the present isn't good. But what about the things you could do in your free time to make that dream of becoming a musician, or becoming your own boss, or just doing what you love to do, come true? You can start taking action, and this is where the future is different from the past-- it hasn't happened yet, and therefore it can be changed. And the only way to cause any kind of change at all? Action and action only. Thoughts, dreams, and hopes exist only in your head and nowhere else. They can influence your actions, but it's only when these things are converted into actions that change actually begins to happen.
Making the leap from your current mind-set to this kind of thinking can be a bigger gap to jump for some than it is for others. And if it is hard to begin with, start smaller. Start switching your gears from listening to, analyzing what's in your head, to what is really happening at that exact moment. Realize that the only thing that is real is what is happening this moment. By this time it's more than likely habit for you to think ahead or reminisce when the present starts to go for the worse. But habits are more easily broken if you consciously think about your actions, or in this case, your thoughts, at the moment they are actually happening.
Anticipation of the future
Our favorite thing to do. Sometimes it helps us to be happy, anticipating a good day ahead or good things for the future. Sometimes it drives us nuts with the anticipation of the worst possible scenario we can come up with in our heads. But why? We need answers. Hello religion, hello natural scientific inquiry, hello mom ("I need some advice"). The unknown, certain unknowns, make us crazy. Just by the unknown's very nature it can do this. It's damned weird if you ask me.
So why does it drive us so crazy? Well, I'm smart... I'm missing some pieces and don't understand something... So following that logic, what the hell is "wrong" with me? Nothing. You just don't have the knowledge of this particular subject you're inquiring about and if you had a few less expectations in your life well you wouldn't have this problem. But since you do, sit down and be patient. There's no use wasting your current time thinking about the future, especially when it has expectations tied to it.
What do I mean by this. We could agree that we humans don't know everything. We don't even know time. Then again, we created it. But regardless of that, every moment that passes (note a moment isn't a set amount of "time") moves into the past. We think we know the past through our minds, through memories, smells and sights and sounds linked to memories, but we really don't know it. For all we know we could have dreamt it.
The future. We can only imagine it. In some special cases, we can dream it, but that's about it. We can anticipate and come up with things that coincide with our desires, whether good or bad, to prepare ourselves so that perhaps the blow of this event happening is less hard, whether this is intentional or not.
So what are we left with? The present. It is the only thing we can be sure about. We can know that right now, you are reading the word "word" and hearing the low hum of a computer fan and smelling whatever smell might be in the air and touching a computer mouse perhaps. It is absolute-- it is completely positive. So, coming full-circle here, why spend the most certain moments of your life trying to draw conclusions from the most undetermined? Live not only for the moment, but for the present.
My Grand Theft Auto Experience
I picked up my first-ever GTA game the other day, after hearing how good it was and now that I have an Xbox 360. Again this was the first GTA game I've owned or actually played in length (as in, not just going around shooting hookers). The first time I popped the game in, I played for 3 hours straight. I couldn't put it down. The free-roaming nature of the world, everything in this Liberty City was everything I could ever want in a video game. Once I got the driving down and could more easily get away from the cops, I started zipping through the middle of two-lane streets, maybe ramming a few cars on the way if they cut me off, and pointing guns at innocent people that drove nice cars.
After three late nights of GTA being my "goodnight snack" that I devoured before going to bed, I started to notice it seeping into real life. I woke up one morning, heading to school as usual--in no hurry-- and the urge came upon me to drive right around the car in front of me, into oncoming traffic, on this two-lane road. This occurred right after leaving my house, only about a minute into being in the car. I just imagined vividly in my head how I could just zip around them.
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