A Solitary Experiment
I think about other people too much. Today I've decided to try something new where I leave my phone in my room and see how much I can accomplish in a day when I don't have to worry about listening/reacting to a sound that tells me someone wants to talk to me. It's this idea that fuels this new experimentat I'm conducting on myself.
What's in my head seems (to me) the most sane and constant in the world right now. Normally I'm down for a little blowing in the wind and going wherever the proverbial wind (people) take me-- problem is it leaves no room for me. I don't get to do the things I need to, like school work. Or paying bills. Or other general things I don't put high on my priority list.
When I put people out of the equation, even just for an hour, my whole world changes. I can do nothing but prove myself to the system through my "work ethic" or other things that are deemed important to the collective "world." I have the opportunity to do and fully carry out the things that are important to me (like getting through college).
So I'm giving myself a chance to grow without people to slow me. I believe it's important to be well-rounded in knowing yourself and how to interact with people. But I feel like I haven't been giving myself enough credit in the people department, in that it'll be okay if I take my own road for a while. People don't need to occupy my mind except when I'm directly interacting with them.
Today has been incredibly liberating.
Attention
Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.
I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.
I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.
...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.
So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.
A Mental Plateau
In my health class the other day, my professor was talking about how, through routine exercise, your body gains and gains and then levels out in a plateau-like fashion. In other words, with the same workouts--same intensity, duration, mode, type, etc.--your body gets used to it and, eventually, it can literally no longer grow from the activity.
Since the mind is contained in the body (and it's of more concern to me) I started to ponder if it fell under the same restrictions. At first I didn't believe it did because, I mean, it's the mind. It has to be different. But I'm starting to think otherwise.
It's like this: when a place (city, street, house, etc.) is new to you, you grow; change promotes growth. After you spend enough time in that town or area, it starts to look bland and not nearly as interesting as it was when you first arrived. You don't spend nearly as much time thinking about the place because your mind has become accustomed to it; you've reached your plateau. You get in a relationship and out of the honeymoon stage-- you've reached your plateau. I would guess this is why people naturally argue in a relationship; your brain needs to grow and it can only do that with some kind of shift in the dynamics. So arguing upsets the stability of that level, unpromoting state.
In the context of my own head, I was fighting with the idea of stability before I started to doubt instability and fight that. I'm now seeing that I want to promote the growth of my mind-- this came after this morning, when I thought that seeing emotions and all these pseudo-human-attributes as what they are--bullshit--was going to lead me no where. It's a good thing I'm getting better at killing off my negative thoughts. So, since I am going to continue promoting the growth of my mind, I need to keep running. I need to keep changing things up. And, as a result, I won't have stability. In fact, stability will cause me to plateau and then what am I fighting for?
Absolutely nothing.
It Makes a Sound
For a bit today, I started thinking about the possibility of switching from what I know and believe and who I think I am to what others were saying. I went through this same thing over my winter break where I considered the possibility that I should just go with what I see as boring and be just like everyone else instead of fighting it so much. I soon decided, that day, that those thoughts were stupid and there was no reason for me to slip into the stream with everyone else.
I'm glad I did.
But every once in a while, I have these days where before I can recall my own self I actually listen to what others have to say to heart. They sneak up on me, and in my completely loose state it's not hard for them to make me disbelieve myself.
And I guess I was just getting to that spot again, after having my professor telling me how marketable and well-rounded I am and how cool she thought I was and me being glad to hear the positive enforcement on my personality today. But I was sitting on this picnic table I usually go to, at the Starbucks on campus, drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette and I began to think that my negative views on people were wrong.
Fuck that.
I don't think I'm judgmental and I do everything to avoid "being" this concept but it's just little things like that that sneak into my mind unnoticed and make me doubt everything I stand for and who I am and what I think. I even started to think, as I tend to do whenever I finally start to really free myself from the world around me, that I was drifting too far from my environment. I always say people are the only thing that keep me grounded. But I think I need to take even more of a vacation from them; really stick to my guns and be as uncompassionate to their feelings as possible so I can reach the speed possible to escape their gravity that holds me so. Then I'll orbit them and their world-- held by their force but free as can be.
The other analogy I was going to use in my post yesterday was the idea that I used to believe: when a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it it doesn't make a sound because there are no organisms around to perceive the sound it would make. I now see that's bullshit in relation to me. I'm the tree that falls with no one around, but with the ability to get back up and continue growing. And one day when someone comes across me on a random excursion into the forest, I'll be there; tall and beautiful; only because I didn't wait for those sound waves to hit someone far off and for them to come running to see what I've done.
Archives
- July 2010 (1)
- April 2010 (2)
- March 2010 (3)
- February 2010 (4)
- January 2010 (9)
- December 2009 (3)
- November 2009 (5)
- October 2009 (2)
- September 2009 (1)
- August 2009 (1)
- July 2009 (2)
- June 2009 (1)
- May 2009 (1)
- April 2009 (3)
- March 2009 (7)
- February 2009 (3)
- January 2009 (5)
- December 2008 (3)
- November 2008 (2)
- October 2008 (6)
- September 2008 (3)
- August 2008 (8)
- July 2008 (6)
- June 2008 (6)
- May 2008 (3)
- March 2008 (2)
- November 2007 (1)
- September 2007 (3)
- August 2007 (4)
Categories
- Blurbs (3)
- Concepts (1)
- Day-to-Day (2)
- Driving (1)
- Experiences (2)
- Experiments (1)
- Ideas (4)
- Overcoming Time (1)
- Internet (6)
- Miscellaneous (4)
- Music (1)
- Personal (7)
- Philosophy (6)
- Photography (4)
- Projects (9)
- Quotes (2)
- Rants (5)
- Realizations (7)
- Reflections (5)
- Stream of Consciousness (1)
- Thoughts (35)
- Life (6)
- Uncategorized (6)
- Writings (1)
