Attention
Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.
I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.
I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.
...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.
So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.
Why I Decided to Go Find Myself
Now I haven't even been through two semesters of college yet. But I can tell you why this one has been the worst out of the two.
It started with winter break. Two days in, I started hanging out with a girl who until then I only knew as an acquaintance, basically. I liked her, we became close, it made my month off of school a good one. I got back to school and that relationship just kinda stayed in the background, but we talked a few times a week at least. I started talking a philosophy class on wisdom, reality, and the human condition (I believe that's what the class is called). Then I started thinking about who I was. And both the lady friend and external stimulus from that class factored into my going down this path.
For one thing, I wanted it to work with this girl. But I had noticed near the end that it wasn't really going where I wanted it to go because of how I was acting. I started playing it safe near the end and that made it boring for the both of us--something I know shouldn't have happened. So I grew the desire to know not only the reason I acted that way, but also how I could make the things I wanted happen. Then during my class (the only I've yet to miss once) I saw that other people had been working on these sort of things. They opened me up to some new ideas different from my own.
But then I started obsessing over this whole idea--not because I needed it so bad, but because new questions were coming in faster than I was receiving answers. I simply ran out of solutions to the problems I was having. I knew what I wanted; I knew a lot of the things that I wanted to improve with myself. But I couldn't find the cause to all of them so easily anymore (this was after about a week of finding answers). After resetting myself by taking a deep breath and basically forgetting my problems multiple times (after the surplus of problems had overcome me), I decided to not worry so much. I wrote about this before. But I've realized that this is the way I should be living. I only have so much that I can do by myself.
It's been working. Even though it might be coincidental that just last Friday I met and talked with someone about all these things (which helped) and many more good things have started to happen for me, I think that it's been easier for me to acknowledge and take advantage of those situations when I come across them, now that I'm "taking it easy." For one thing, I've been in a better mood and that's made me much more sociable so that I'm more encouraged to open up earlier when I meet someone new (like I've been aiming to do).
So right now, hell, things are working out. And even though I would like to know now, I have my whole life to figure myself out. And, ironically, it seems much easier to do that when I'm not looking so hard.
Why Not to be Fake
My teacher in philosophy today finally put it into words for me. First, at the base of "you," you have your values. When evaluating why your values are good or bad, right or wrong, you have to look at the sources and why those are good sources. Sources for your values are environmental factors, such as your parents, religion, society, and other authoritative figures. Well, when thinking critically about why you should blindly follow what those sources have said about why you should believe them, you need to look at your beliefs and desires. Besides, this is what comprises your basic values.
When evaluating why a belief you hold is good, the only criteria it should match is being either true or false. Would anyone say that they want to willingly believe something that is false? When evaluating if your desires are good or bad, you should see if those desires will help you to be consistently happy and live well.
Now we could say one very basic desire of ours (among other things) is to have friends/relationships. And by having those relationships, we will be happy and be able to live well. However, we like to say we desire money and status as well (because these will make us happy). This is one of those common American ideas that is widely accepted. Because if we have money, for example, we'll be able to have friends and trophy wives, etc. But why will those friends like us? It's also commonly accepted that those friends will be our friends and like us solely because of this feature we present to them that is nothing more than superficial: a wealthy person. And if this is the case, how can you truly be happy? You're not showing them what your personality is really like, because they're probably not going to care that much about getting to know you. And when the money and everything that people "like" about you goes away, you're left with who you are. And if they never liked you for who you really are, how can that relationship continue work? Even if that all didn't disappear, how long would those "friends" stay around? Unless we truly like another person, what purpose do we have in staying around them, or again, even forming a connection with them.
So, it seems, the way to remedy this would to be yourself. Because being "fake" or doing whatever you need to do to "fit in" and "be cool" and "get people to like you" is doing the exact same thing as in the money situation: giving the people you "desire" to be around you a facade that doesn't accurately represent who you really are. So why be fake? It doesn't make sense to say that you will truly be happy by providing people with a different version of you that they "like" or that is the most-easily compatible with them. Because happiness shouldn't be fleeting, as in winning the lottery; true happiness should last.
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