Attention
Thinking a lot tonight, and not quite worried about things-- just wondering for a solution. Almost thought I needed to explain myself for my changes. I want a meaningful relationship with another human being-- but not like the world views it. How I want it-- that's how I want it. I only say things when I'm in a comfortable situation and that's becoming even less now that I've distanced myself from close friends from being beat down by their continuing negative thoughts.
I'm stronger than that. What I require isn't anything I've done or thought before; it's time for new territory. I've reached my plateau where as previously I only spoke off experience and theory. This is why I hate stability; I want to improve but I'm in this world where everything is comfortable-- the lake is calm and there is nothing to be seen once it gets old (after 30 seconds). So this new goal I'm striving for is a relationship with people. I'm likable as ever, but nothing interesting like I know I am. I know it goes against what I've thought before, that I want to be free so I don't need people to validate me. But that was only theory.
I need to do something about it; maybe try to listen for once; not just blankly listen and vapidly encouraging their behavior. I'm tired of safe-- scary, sure; but that's for you. A loss of safety is a gain in freedom.
...I can't even develop that thought because all that erupts in my mind is the people who would disagree with that statement. There are too many of those.
So I'm alone in some of my thoughts, at least as far as my experience has shown me. But I'm relatable in the experiences that have explained how people work. And all people require is a bit of attention, my tonight-mind feels. Give and it's returned, whether they like it or not. Since I'm one of the mob, I need it too. I can get it by letting my energy glow-- or at least that's what I'm banking on. Fuck that, I'm not concerned. These things come-- not because a force outside of me or any other person dictates so; but because I put myself out into the world-- and the other humans react. And then something new is born; a synthesis of human actions.
A Mental Plateau
In my health class the other day, my professor was talking about how, through routine exercise, your body gains and gains and then levels out in a plateau-like fashion. In other words, with the same workouts--same intensity, duration, mode, type, etc.--your body gets used to it and, eventually, it can literally no longer grow from the activity.
Since the mind is contained in the body (and it's of more concern to me) I started to ponder if it fell under the same restrictions. At first I didn't believe it did because, I mean, it's the mind. It has to be different. But I'm starting to think otherwise.
It's like this: when a place (city, street, house, etc.) is new to you, you grow; change promotes growth. After you spend enough time in that town or area, it starts to look bland and not nearly as interesting as it was when you first arrived. You don't spend nearly as much time thinking about the place because your mind has become accustomed to it; you've reached your plateau. You get in a relationship and out of the honeymoon stage-- you've reached your plateau. I would guess this is why people naturally argue in a relationship; your brain needs to grow and it can only do that with some kind of shift in the dynamics. So arguing upsets the stability of that level, unpromoting state.
In the context of my own head, I was fighting with the idea of stability before I started to doubt instability and fight that. I'm now seeing that I want to promote the growth of my mind-- this came after this morning, when I thought that seeing emotions and all these pseudo-human-attributes as what they are--bullshit--was going to lead me no where. It's a good thing I'm getting better at killing off my negative thoughts. So, since I am going to continue promoting the growth of my mind, I need to keep running. I need to keep changing things up. And, as a result, I won't have stability. In fact, stability will cause me to plateau and then what am I fighting for?
Absolutely nothing.
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