So I've fought going to the store and buying a pack these past few days; this time it wasn't as easy simply dropping it as it has been times before. Right now I'd love to have some to smoke as I drive around with the sun setting (as it currently is) and all the windows rolled down; something I'm used to doing in this nice weather. If not that, I'd like to go stand outside for 7 1/2 minutes while I smoked one, just to be out of the house.

But my blind stubbornness is keeping me from doing that. Stubbornness usually gets a bad rap when it comes to other people, but when it's internal it is an important element for your own growth. And so what am I left with? Well, since I'm not so fond of feeling like shit (for any reason), I need to adapt. Since this new cigarette-less environment is my current one (and I don't want to be a miserable bitch), I might as well get used to it and see what I can do with where I'm at.

And on the larger scale of things (since I like the big picture), this is an extremely fundamental element for life. Change is what keeps minds, countries, planets, the universe moving. If anything remained the same for some amount of time, it would die (in some way) because it no longer has any use to the environment it is in. Atoms constantly move; stars that seem so far away are moving even more so; galaxies are forming; people are thinking; and when the forces that keep these things going cease to exist, the universe outside of it will as well.

Upon accepting what "is," whether in or outside of you, it becomes easier to move on; to keep the forces within you moving and ensuring you don't "die" from a lack of expression or stimulation that otherwise keeps your mind (and you) going.

I think I'll go for a drive.

While it's good that I don't need a pat on the back for every new action I do, it's still too constraining on me to need people around to simply perceive my actions. So, how do I give myself this validation without actually getting the validation? I instantly realized that it didn't involve validation at all-- I just need to do things as if no one is around and simply enjoy it. At the time I related it to the river's water: the surface of the water looked as if it was a surface with this life that moved beneath it; this energy. And this energy that moves beneath the surface of the water and creates waves travels down stream, and from where I was sitting, into the shore. Now if I was this ball of energy that propels the waves to crash into the shore, I might be compelled--seeing the shore and my impending doom--to want to stop; to travel no longer.

But that would be boring. Stability is overrated in my book because nothing happens when everything is stable. So, following in the wave's essential footsteps, I would rather crash into the shore and enjoy the results. The wave moves back into the stream once it can go no further and those pebbles on the shore have been changed forever because of that wave's actions; everyone wins (me being the wave and the pebbles being other people).

That works. I can handle events such as these because that's what we humans live for; no event that doesn't kill me is truly "bad." But what about when I'm just in the stream? This is what I was struggling with-- no events are occurring, or at least not ones strong enough to distract me from myself. But I'm really traveling through the world; there are things all around-- near and far; and it doesn't take much to see it all when you know how to.

So finally, what am I if I don't need people to tell me what I am? I'm a floating orb of energy. By nature, I hit dead-ends and bounce off to go in a different direction; I go around rocks that block part of my intended course; I even pick up smaller rocks in my stream that I have enough force over, but I never really control them-- they'll always go their own route, just as I do. I'm alone but comfortable. In my instability I'm stable. Nature dictates the power I have over myself (infinite), and I get to enjoy it.

I like that.

Of course I know who I am when I'm alone. But "who I am" really has no meaning to me because I have no need to be one way or the other when there's no one else to pick up on which "way" I am. So if I want people to see me in the same light I see myself, I need to carry that personality consistently throughout all parts of my life.

So tonight I put on a wife-beater and went for a walk in the rain. I made a point to walk past some people in the hallway to make sure this craziness was perceived by someone other than myself. I don't need their verbal validation; I don't need them to tell me I'm crazy or that I'm sane-- that I'm stupid or doing "okay." Proving anything about myself to myself or anyone else is useless. I just need something solid in the world. Because I can see from any perspective, I can think about an infinite amount of possibilities and positives and negatives. But life is no fun when I do that. I become a ball of neutral-- no light, no darkness; no sound and no silence. I live in this world of hypothetical; this alternate dimension that exists but produces nothing useful.

It's this universe of nothingness that I try to avoid daily. In fact, not living in the way I want to is the only thing that depresses me these days because frankly, I'd rather enjoy my existence.

Well, there's this lady that I've been talking to lately; we've both been blatantly digging each other, but until the other day I was still on top of things. The night before I woke up feeling lost and confused, upon departing her abode I began questioning myself on my actions. As I've learned, this is usually where things go downhill for me mental-state-wise. I first thought I felt so shitty and was back at square one simply because I began questioning myself. But then I realized that it was because I was devoting a piece of my conscious thought to another person.

This doesn't seem terrible at first glance-- caring for a loved one, friend, significant other, etc. But at this certain point in my evolution, it's treacherous. I'm so focused on doing my own thing and therefore becoming more solid in myself and who I am that the second I let someone else severely occupy my thoughts (where there's no solution I can find on my own to my uncertainty, such as in my over-analyzation of previous events), I lose it. I sink in this river of life (or rather people) that I'm attempting to stay afloat in.

So, how to prevent this? I'd need to recognize when I'm going down a road of answers I'll never find without external assistance. This, of course, takes experience in going down those roads and therefore having those days when I have to go without breathing my own fresh air above the water. And even after enough experience, people can always find new ways to attach a weight to me to bring me down-- it'll just be easier and the amount of time I spend drowning will be reduced.

So there it is.

I’m ever-changing; every day in my head is a different one. One day I might think I’m the shit because I can’t find it in me to care about anything anyone around me thinks. Another day I’ll think I haven’t changed at all and am accomplishing nothing. But I should avoid thinking them both. You see, the whole reason for changing myself has been an effect of me realizing that the cards I was dealt until this point in my life [when I finally gained some control] have been shit. Well, this same shit that I speak of occurs when I think of something solid—one of these titles; it essentially does the same thing as the obligations and expectations I’ve learned since birth that have screwed with my head: gives me something to abide by.

And that’s no good. In fact, that’s the whole point of not blindly accepting what you’re told from birth: you become a slave to these ideals and are never truly free (I’ll clarify free later). Yes, of course my parents had some things right that helped me become a good person and someone I actually like; but, just as well, they had some things wrong, similar to the other 6.8 billion of us—none of us have it all down, hence my personal never-ending quest for some kind of answers.

..And my search for freedom. What I mean by free is simple: truly your own thoughts; your own feelings; you. Obviously, in our social world this is a lot more complex than simply stating it. We’re all a product of society in one way or another, and it takes time to differentiate between causes for why you think/act the way you do and what novel conclusions you’ve come to on your own, using all the information you’ve gathered from the outside world. It’s not impossible, just difficult. So what I meant before was that realizing what inside your head is you and what is them will make you free. It keeps you in society but it keeps you above all the unreasonable and non-thoughtful ideas that have become reality in our world. In other words, you’ll be the one at the end of the day who isn’t upset with their life because they don’t have someone or because they are poor or any other so-called “necessity” that has been taught by the masses.

Putting a title on a situation infringes on freedom because it also rules-out flexibility more than it should. I’ll use “dating” as a title for an example.

Let’s say I’m dating a girl. I’ve known her a few months, but only really gotten to know her for the past few weeks. I think I like her; regardless of the reasons, I’ll leave it at that. Now, because of the dating title and inherent obligations (again, they’re already present based on society), if I meet another girl that I start to like, this is “bad.” For one, if I like her more than the girl I’m already with, I have to convince said girl that I want to “leave” her and break the expectations she holds me to as a result of our title. Even if I don’t decide I like New Girl more than Current Girl, if Current was to find out, again (depending on how invested she was in her expectations of me) I would affect her emotions negatively. This all seems silly to me—especially because of the expectations factor.

If you lower your expectations, you can’t be let down—this has been my mindset for a good while, because you can always go up. And once I internalized the fact that I can’t control anyone besides myself, it was even easier to give up all expectations I have in other people. But this is the main problem with having these titles I speak of. If you’re Current Girl in the example I mentioned above, you will have your “heart broken.” This will bring an onslaught of over-analyzations, what-did-I-do-wrong’s, the whole enchilada. This isn’t good for Current Girl, or any other human being, for that matter, that experiences this destruction of their expectations. So, quite simply, why do it?

On those days that I feel like I am completely free from what people around me think, it’s great. I consciously realize that I am, in fact, free from what all these other people think about me, and more subconsciously realize that nothing can bring me down—that is, until I let them in. This only brings me down because I expect that no one will affect me. If instead I walk around feeling free from the people around me and simply ride it—not recognize it—then I can continue to live it, all the while remaining flexible when I have to interact with people close to me, such as friends—people I do have to let it, even if it’s just a bit. In this case, it’s about managing your thoughts and when you start to realize how good of a mood you’re in or how on top of the world you are, you have to stop it and literally distract yourself. This keeps you free from not only others but also the darkest parts of yourself, which is half of the struggle in life.

Sometimes the idea stays an idea and never goes into action. Or an idea is just one among many that apply to the same problem-- and when that problem comes up, such as whether or not I should hug a new friend goodbye (something I don't usually do, but am trying to change), I usually default to the old way I acted. The fact is this: I haven't decided what I want. Lately I've been so concentrated on getting what I want completely right, right off the bat. But I've missed a crucial step and completely skipped over the part where I actually sit down, look at the pieces I have in front of me, and see which fit together at the moment.

I mean, it's not like I can put my life and relationships and good experiences on hold until I find myself-- I should be growing with the new things I learn. I practically tore down the whole building; I accepted the fact that I don't know anything at all about myself anymore. But I was wrong. I know some things. A lot of the "past me" was right. So I need to build on it and have SOME confidence in the things I do know, so that I can better enjoy opportunities and get the full effect of my experiences. Because without that I become what I have been lately: a vegetable who has all these ideas and good knowledge about how to live, but can't put them into effect for the same reason I started trying to look for myself in the first place.

I can't let things hold me back, especially things like a skewed expectation of perfectionism. It does nothing but drive me crazy.

A month ago, I simply snapped. Everything came together in one second when everything had built up too much for me to handle anymore and I took a deep breath and cleared my mind for one second--long enough for me to have this epiphany, along with others. In those following seconds I decided to quit smoking. Done. I decided how to go about finishing work that needed to be done. I did some push-ups that I was previously unmotivated to do. Done.

Then today, I realized that on that day, I had discovered part of what was controlling not only my habits (like going out for a smoke every half hour), but my entire life. I was in my philosophy class, talking about how we really don't have free-will because our actions are actually controlled by subconscious motivations (which were created by, basically, the shitty things that have happened to us in the past)--according to Freud. And then I saw that I had realized one of my "subconscious motivations" a month ago. I realized that they, more obvious to me than anything else in my life, controlled me--I was a slave to myself. I saw it, I just didn't have the words for it. And it's interesting how simply hearing the idea in words makes it click much more.

So I've decided. I'm going to go to therapy this summer. I've seen that my own constant self-analysis is the wrong way to go about finding out who I am. And for the rest of the semester, I just won't sweat it. I'm gonna do what I need to do for the next six weeks and then, once again, I can continue my search. But until then, it's just easy-going.