Late Night Fiction Being a weirdo so you don’t have to!

It Makes a Sound

For a bit today, I started thinking about the possibility of switching from what I know and believe and who I think I am to what others were saying. I went through this same thing over my winter break where I considered the possibility that I should just go with what I see as boring and be just like everyone else instead of fighting it so much. I soon decided, that day, that those thoughts were stupid and there was no reason for me to slip into the stream with everyone else.

I'm glad I did.

But every once in a while, I have these days where before I can recall my own self I actually listen to what others have to say to heart. They sneak up on me, and in my completely loose state it's not hard for them to make me disbelieve myself.

And I guess I was just getting to that spot again, after having my professor telling me how marketable and well-rounded I am and how cool she thought I was and me being glad to hear the positive enforcement on my personality today. But I was sitting on this picnic table I usually go to, at the Starbucks on campus, drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette and I began to think that my negative views on people were wrong.

Fuck that.

I don't think I'm judgmental and I do everything to avoid "being" this concept but it's just little things like that that sneak into my mind unnoticed and make me doubt everything I stand for and who I am and what I think. I even started to think, as I tend to do whenever I finally start to really free myself from the world around me, that I was drifting too far from my environment. I always say people are the only thing that keep me grounded. But I think I need to take even more of a vacation from them; really stick to my guns and be as uncompassionate to their feelings as possible so I can reach the speed possible to escape their gravity that holds me so. Then I'll orbit them and their world-- held by their force but free as can be.

The other analogy I was going to use in my post yesterday was the idea that I used to believe: when a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it it doesn't make a sound because there are no organisms around to perceive the sound it would make. I now see that's bullshit in relation to me. I'm the tree that falls with no one around, but with the ability to get back up and continue growing. And one day when someone comes across me on a random excursion into the forest, I'll be there; tall and beautiful; only because I didn't wait for those sound waves to hit someone far off and for them to come running to see what I've done.