Late Night Fiction A blog of much perspicaciousness

A Different Cycle

I'm learning when situations, ideas, environments are positive or negative for me. Everything in the world around me divides up a little better and forms according to my specifications more and more each day. This is good.

I'm also trying to stick with the "don't fixate" idea I've come up with. See, when you fixate on one idea, you become lost in it. And it seems that there is no one thing that is worth completely fixating on, due to the life-cycle of a thought: it starts as a simple abstract concept, possibly formed as a result of other ideas. The amount of information it is composed of is proportional to the thought's tipping point-- the point at which all the information that makes up that thought are not enough to expand that thought anymore; at this point, your mind can only speculate. And although it may provide some sense of comfort, nothing positive or solid will come out of speculation.

So I know these things. And I wake up every morning and go for a drive and try to remember to let everything flow through me so that I don't fixate on a single idea, and consequently live in that moment, know that nothing dies, etc. etc. But some days those thoughts become a contradiction themselves because I think I have to fixate on them to make them work and then I do and then shit falls through, plainly.

I think it's happened today. But it doesn't feel counter-productive this time; I reached that truly elated stage which I haven't had in at least a week, and then I had to deal with people so I started to whole people-cycle again, though I feel like I fought it slightly more than usual. I'm out of cigarettes but haven't bought more, I went to a job interview and laughed as I headed out because the guy was the typical salesperson-- and he was the one interviewing me; and then I had some more pseudo-frustration with other people. And at this point everything started falling down; the walls I had built, once again crumbled.

But this time was different. I've found comfort in knowing that not everything I do will work at this point in time. I'm used to it, not holding onto any thought as invincible and stable. Maybe it's because if I changed as much as my mind formulates a new "me," nothing in my life could be stable-- friends would leave, etc. etc.

But that's bullshit-- I shouldn't be concerned.

Yeah, talk about a bad case of the negatives.