My House Smells Like Happy Memories
I came home this weekend for Easter, after being away for a little over a month. I walked in the door, and the smell of my house reminded me of last summer and my many nights in my room, unemployed and by myself in my room, between just graduating high school and about to come into the adventure that is college. In other words, it was a good time for me. Not the best as far as having someone else or anything like that; but just a good time for me. I'd say I was truly happy.
And it's interesting that of all the possible things, feelings, or events that I could have remembered based on the smell of this house, it was of last summer. It actually made me feel happy. I had many nights where I'd go to the next town over (where I spent the summer of '07, because of a girl), to get a Redbox movie and come back to watch it myself. Apparently those were the happiest memories of that time that happened in this house.
A few different things, I've noticed, repeatedly trigger good memories. Exhaling a Camel Wide through my nostrils reminds me of when I was at a beach house for a week last summer with my family. It's also interesting that they're always memories that happen during the summer. Maybe you're just not supposed to be happy during the rest of the year-- only the few months out of the year when you are supposed to enjoy life. But they say it's generally much easier to recall good memories than bad ones. It's interesting what that can show us about ourselves.
Making Up Your Mind
This is the thing: I have plenty of ideas in my head; many pieces to the bigger puzzle, if you will. A lot of the time I even put those pieces together so that I can take action with my new, bigger and better picture. But sometimes I don't, and that's where problems arise.
Sometimes the idea stays an idea and never goes into action. Or an idea is just one among many that apply to the same problem-- and when that problem comes up, such as whether or not I should hug a new friend goodbye (something I don't usually do, but am trying to change), I usually default to the old way I acted. The fact is this: I haven't decided what I want. Lately I've been so concentrated on getting what I want completely right, right off the bat. But I've missed a crucial step and completely skipped over the part where I actually sit down, look at the pieces I have in front of me, and see which fit together at the moment.
I mean, it's not like I can put my life and relationships and good experiences on hold until I find myself-- I should be growing with the new things I learn. I practically tore down the whole building; I accepted the fact that I don't know anything at all about myself anymore. But I was wrong. I know some things. A lot of the "past me" was right. So I need to build on it and have SOME confidence in the things I do know, so that I can better enjoy opportunities and get the full effect of my experiences. Because without that I become what I have been lately: a vegetable who has all these ideas and good knowledge about how to live, but can't put them into effect for the same reason I started trying to look for myself in the first place.
I can't let things hold me back, especially things like a skewed expectation of perfectionism. It does nothing but drive me crazy.
Staying Busy
I like the days where I have a bunch of running around to do. Just some simple mindless tasks such as running to the post office or somewhere else to pick something up. It's nice, because it gives me little goals that are easily accomplished. And then I feel good about myself. And that's pretty damn awesome if you ask me.
I'm plugging away. I actually stayed up last night to do some work-- whereas normally I would've simply gone to bed. I pretty much tanked it this semester, especially compared to the last, but I've explained why. But I'm pulling whatever I can out of whatever orifice possible to not have this be a completely wasted amount of time (which it wasn't by any means possible to me, but grade/system/workingfortheman-wise it was).
And I'm getting less distracted by cool things I used to do like developing FlashStuf and making games and such. [Wow, that's a depressing thought.] But now I stick with my Facebook/Twitter/Latenightfiction/making music, as far as recreation (on the computer) goes. Speaking of music, just last night I rediscovered a song I created a few months ago and how awesome it was. The song is Sleep (you can download it on the Late Night Motion site, here). And then I saw-- I need to keep making damn awesome music like that. So I decided I will. And that's where I'm at right now.
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