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Why I Decided to Go Find Myself

Now I haven't even been through two semesters of college yet. But I can tell you why this one has been the worst out of the two.

It started with winter break. Two days in, I started hanging out with a girl who until then I only knew as an acquaintance, basically. I liked her, we became close, it made my month off of school a good one. I got back to school and that relationship just kinda stayed in the background, but we talked a few times a week at least. I started talking a philosophy class on wisdom, reality, and the human condition (I believe that's what the class is called). Then I started thinking about who I was. And both the lady friend and external stimulus from that class factored into my going down this path.

For one thing, I wanted it to work with this girl. But I had noticed near the end that it wasn't really going where I wanted it to go because of how I was acting. I started playing it safe near the end and that made it boring for the both of us--something I know shouldn't have happened. So I grew the desire to know not only the reason I acted that way, but also how I could make the things I wanted happen. Then during my class (the only I've yet to miss once) I saw that other people had been working on these sort of things. They opened me up to some new ideas different from my own.

But then I started obsessing over this whole idea--not because I needed it so bad, but because new questions were coming in faster than I was receiving answers. I simply ran out of solutions to the problems I was having. I knew what I wanted; I knew a lot of the things that I wanted to improve with myself. But I couldn't find the cause to all of them so easily anymore (this was after about a week of finding answers). After resetting myself by taking a deep breath and basically forgetting my problems multiple times (after the surplus of problems had overcome me), I decided to not worry so much. I wrote about this before. But I've realized that this is the way I should be living. I only have so much that I can do by myself.

It's been working. Even though it might be coincidental that just last Friday I met and talked with someone about all these things (which helped) and many more good things have started to happen for me, I think that it's been easier for me to acknowledge and take advantage of those situations when I come across them, now that I'm "taking it easy." For one thing, I've been in a better mood and that's made me much more sociable so that I'm more encouraged to open up earlier when I meet someone new (like I've been aiming to do).

So right now, hell, things are working out. And even though I would like to know now, I have my whole life to figure myself out. And, ironically, it seems much easier to do that when I'm not looking so hard.